Or Forever Wish You Had
by nom-omnis-moriar
Summary: He considered sneaking her away. Just one last time. He wanted to hold her, to kiss and worship her without any holding back.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

Some would say that a secret love is exhilarating

With the rush of adrenaline at midnight rendezvous', the over desperate kisses and the spine tingling aura that was sparked, it was clandestine at its most addictive.

Yet to both of them, the thrill of a secret love had long since past. Bitterly.

The unwanted prospect of a concealed love was one that seemed practically unavoidable. In their case, it was the only route they could take, if they dared take the chance. They both prayed it could have happened under different circumstances. But this is what they had been given, and they both knew they had to be grateful. It wasn't that they were ashamed. They had nothing to be ashamed of.

Yet.

It was simply bad timing, but it would always be bad timing. A relationship was pretty hard to keep when you were on a pilgrimage, especially when there really wasn't enough time or privacy. He thought that they ought to admit their feelings for each other to the other guardians and survive the onslaught of disagreement and then, hopefully, be happy with each other. She, however, thought very differently.

She did not want it out in the open, a Summoner-Guardian relationship was considered outrageous and the last thing she needed was for her Guardians to be cold towards her, especially when they were so _close_. Besides she considered one late night, they would simply never understand.

"_It's just naivety"_

She'd lost count of the amount of times she had agued back to these kinds of remarks that would arise in her head. This was not _naivety. _This was not some high school romance which resulted in mere kisses and holding hands, and finding out who admired you by spread of word from fellow classmates.

Admittedly, at first, she did think the event on Macalania Spring was made out of pity. She had weighed it up and much to her dismay; she had convinced herself that he had purely done it as a sign of comfort. Marrying a man she didn't love once again for Spira's sake, then becoming widowed, being called a traitor and finding her religion was a twist of lies, she was doubtful there had been any affection in that kiss at all. If anything, just to help stop the pain she was feeling. And it did, but he didn't seem to realise that that kiss would lead to another thing on her list of ever-growing problems.

"_Thank goodness for losing my staff huh?"_

* * *

Annoyed didn't even scrape the surface of how Yuna was feeling. Convinced the time was around midnight, she was becoming all the hastier with her searching, no matter how bone achingly tired she was. There was no question in the matter; her guardians had spent an overwhelming amount of Gil on a new staff for her that _day_ and that meant there was _absolutely_ no other option. She had to find the Staff. How ungrateful would she look? How many remedies and other useful items could have been bought?! This had been a gift for her of sorts, and she had lost it.

The group had arrived at Rin's Travel Agency, in the Calm Lands a mere few hours ago and at the point, it hand been _in her hand. _Her head was aching from the amount of times she had played the last few hours in her head. Miraculously, sometime between paying at the counter for her room and oh wait- being in her room, she had lost the dammed staff. She had searched her room endlessly, from her small pack, to the wardrobe, to behind the door and every place in-between, but there was no sight of her staff.

She collapsed on to the bed with a sigh of frustration, her eyes still scanning her room for a precious sight of her lost item. She was at her wits end, and not just because of tonight's events. _Two weeks, two weeks and nothing_. Their relationship was deemed to be no different then it was before. Breathing inwardly, she felt sudden moistness against her skin and was surprised to find tears ever so slowly, sliding down her flustered cheeks. She hastily wiped it away, feeling slightly humiliated at her sign of desolation.

"_A walk would clear my head."_ she thought, determinedly rising from the bed. She only hoped that she would return – her head much clear then previously- and find her staff without any problems. She smoothed down her dress and strode out of the inn, only to be hit by a blast of chilling night air. She instantly regretted not putting on some outdoor gear for such a time of year, idiotic she thought, seeing as it was the middle of night and they were dreadfully close to Mt Gagazet- famous for such arctic weather. She cursed under her breath and walked back the same way she had came with her Guardians only a few days ago. She felt her fingers become increasingly numb, not to mention her state of mind as well. She was walking nowhere in particular, and with every step all her worries seemed to become insensitive. Not taking in her surroundings, she was extremely lucky not to walk into any fiends. No weapon? No items? No _Guardians_? She shook her head slightly with irritation. Honestly, couldn't she get anything right?

After some time she raised her head from looking at the ground, only to come face to face with a steep

bank, coated in mud due to recent downpours. Not too long ago, she had clambered not so dignifiedly down this in order to reach the vast Calm Lands below. She had slipped several times, splashing mud all up her dress. She was not impressed, and the laughs from the other - particularly male guardians- had caused her great displeasure._ He_ and Rikku - rising to the occasion - couldn't resist the option of a mud fight, the state of the two teenagers causing her to try and hide her beaming smile with a frown of displeasure. He understood, of course he did. Or at least he _tried_ to. She had to show her maturity at all times, be polite and respectful, whilst her youngest guardians took advantage of their youth, sliding down the mud bank, earth coating their clothes and face. Oh, how much she wanted to join them. She laughed quietly to herself then, imagine Lulu's face!

She pushed the thought aside and considered her options. There was no way she would be able to walk up the bank in the dark, no matter how much she wished to view the vast plains from above. Her only option was to return to the agency and hope she could find her staff. She strode quickly, wanting to return to the warmth of the Inn as soon as possible.

That was, until she saw him. Pacing impatiently back and forth in front of the inn, she was surprised to see him look so…concerned. Having not yet acknowledged her presence, she slowly paced towards him, hoping not for a nagging from her Guardian. She came closer to the light that was radiating from the inn and she saw his eyes widen in surprise at the sight of her.

He tried to hold back the relieved smile he had oh his face, but he really couldn't, he had surprised himself at how worried he was when he woke up to find her room door open and no notice as to where she had gone. He walked to her and noticed her shivering form.

"Yuna…?" he whispered softly, standing mere millimetres from her. The warmth coming from his body causing her to whimper slightly, - desperate for his touch. His hand held her arm firmly, trying to get her to look at him. She eventually lifted her eyes from the ground, staring pitifully into his ocean eyes.

"I'm s-sorry…" she stuttered, shuffling her feet anxiously. The last thing she wanted was for him to be angry with her. Eyebrows raised is anticipation for an answer, he noticed her shivering. He couldn't tell her off, not now. He really was a bad guardian, he couldn't find her when she'd run off, and he couldn't even warn her afterwards. He merely sighed with relief and pulled her gently into an embrace.

Warmth surged her body, burying her face into his chest, trying t hide the beaming smile and blush she had adorning her face. His hands ran up her arms and shoulder affectionately in an attempt to warm her. Nuzzling his head into her hair, kissing it gently, she ran her fingers across the naked skin of his torso, visible from his blitz uniform. She could hear him breathe deeply, taking in the scent of her shampoo and fragrant perfume. She always thought he was a little weird for doing things like that, until he later stated he was – in his own words - "a new found romantic, since meeting her".

"You got me worried, ya' know?" he muttered into her hair, running his hand through her auburn tresses. He felt her nod slightly, her fingers slowly stroking his toned chest.

Eventually removing her head from his chest, her eyes fluttering bashfully as she tried to keep his intense gaze.

"Want to know a secret?"

He nodded in response, smiling tenderly at her shy persona. Her blushing cheeks, fluttering eyelashes and ruby red lips were distracting his attention terribly. She looked so fragile, so pure – traits he was not use to in a girl. Ones that he had grew to adore and yearn for. In fact, he secretly thanked her for introducing him to the unknown species of independent, respectable women. If it wasn't for her, he would probably still be letting his testosterone run wild, sleeping with as many under dressed, high matinence girls he could find around Spira – just like he use to in Zanarkand.

She was looking at him strangely, he had probably let his mind wander a bit too far – thinking of his home did that to him. He never denied it – he missed it dreadfully, but there were many things in Spira to stay for.

Yuna of course remained the main reason to stay, and she alone conquered all reasons against staying on Spira after they had defeated Sin.

"I lost my new staff…" she mumbled, lowering her head in shame - hoping that his thoughts were still elsewhere and that he hadn't heard her.

Then he laughed cheerfully, almost as though he was expecting her to say it all along. She should have known. Wrapping his arms tightly around her waist, he brought her body closer to his, their lips unavoidably close.

She could feel the warmth of his breath against her lips, making them parched and a longing to be caressed. She felt a great swell of happiness rise within her, his feelings for her obviously reflecting her own.

"Perhaps you could…help me…find it…" she managed to stammer, biting her lip with nerves at the sight of him gazing at her.

"Maybe…later..."

Utter desperation was how he felt, the amount of times he had tried to be alone with her the past few weeks was tremendous. Outside, in the middle of the night in the Calm lands, he considered their encounter to be relatively secretive. Then again, if Lulu herself was standing in the reception of the agency right that very minute for some unknown reason, he would still have risked everything just to kiss her. The longer they left it, the more confusing it would become and there was no time like the present.

He had that look in his eyes, glazed with tension, glancing longingly at her slightly parted lips. He brushed his lips ever so gently over hers, a small sign of permission that he considered necessary. If there one thing about Yuna that he had learnt, it was that she liked to take things slow. She closed her eyes instinctively, allowing him to lead her to the thing she craved. He kissed her cheek, brushing his lips over her flustered skin and kissing the corner of her mouth. A moan escaped her mouth as he finally pressed his lips against hers, causing him to do the same. She wrapped her arms around his neck, one hand grasping his soft hair. He was gentle, only allowing his lips to tenderly touch hers. Butterflies circled her stomach as desire swept over her, his touch was still new too her and the mere feeling of his lips upon hers amazed her.

Finally – after much resistance- he pulled away, resting his fore head against hers and staring into her mesmerising eyes.

She laughed a little, at first she thought it was from the awkwardness of the situation, but then he gave a quiet 'phew' of relief and she realised she wasn't laughing from awkwardness at all.

"Better go look for you staff then huh?" he smirked, unwilling pulling away from her, his trademark cheeky smile branded on his face. He soon returned to his former, less serious self, offering his arm out to her to hold in an over-dramatised fashion. She took it, giggling to herself quietly, as they walked into the warmth of the Travel Agency.

Rin didn't look too surprised as they walked into the reception, close together, her head leaning against his upper arm with her eyes dropping tiredly. He had known since first meeting them that they had a connection but, he knew it wasn't for him divulge into. He merely smiled –almost sympathetically- as the couple walked down the hall toward the rooms.

They soon arrived at Yuna's room - which conveniently he thought- was at the other end of the corridor to Lulu's… but the thought was soon swatted away with a sign of frustration. It made him feel ashamed to think such things, such things of Yuna anyway. Especially when he had no intention of carrying them out… or at least not yet. It wasn't that he didn't _want _her, it's just, he knew he had to…pace himself. He was grateful really; he wanted to take it slow too, for once. But it was unknown territory and he came to the conclusion one night in his sleeping bag, when he had a chance to think- without the never ending chaos that occurred during the day - that waiting, just made his desire for her so much worse.

Not that he didn't lust for her, oh hell he did. It was unbearable, endless and above all, embarrassing. Always happening at the worst of times, for example: whilst attempting to have an intellectual conversation with Auron or trying to show apologies when Lulu was scowling for some crime he had apparently committed. He tried to push the thoughts away, but he was a teenage boy, who had, back in Zanarkand, experienced the company of many women, it had seemed normal to him. Yet here he was sex free for almost a year, against his will and made to feel like an utter fool.

She walked into the room and immediately started searching once again for her staff. Attempting to avoid her, he moved to the other side of the room and also began his routine search. She couldn't deny it felt a little weird, having him in her room. Particularly as it was under such petty circumstances. Much to her dismay, rooting through the wardrobe proved fruitless and she soon moved the bathroom.

_Bathroom? Why would the staff be in here?!_

She agreed to the thought in her head, yet she still remained in the room, hoping that he would find the staff and the awkwardness was cease. She just needed to calm down. The small bathroom mirror reflected a flushed face, one she was hoping not to meet.

_It's no big deal; he is just helping me look! _

She really wished she didn't look _so_ red in the face. It really did everything away. She felt uncomfortable, on edge and more than anything – tired. Thoroughly she thought out her plan. She would simply sit on her bed. That's all. Hopefully he would understand she wished to sleep and he would leave the room. Oh, she felt cruel. Did she really want to get rid of him? No, she simply wanted it to stop being so awkward. She didn't even understand why it was, or at least, she didn't want to confirm it to herself.

Without much more thought, she strode across the room and sat on the bed, unaware of him still searching through the room. If she wasn't careful, she'd end up falling asleep whilst he was still room, a predicament she did not want to be put under. Drowsiness was slowly, pulling at her, enticing her to lie on the bed.

It was a good thing her eyes were closed, he thought. Unknown to her, he had long since ditched his searching attempts. Leaning against the wall he stood, admiring her, she looked so adorable. Rubbing her eyes, trying to fight her exhaustion, she was fighting a losing battle. Honestly, she must have looked like a little child, she was so irritated! The sound of a door clicking could be heard, but she decided to take no notice. He must have left the room; she certainly couldn't hear him anymore. There was no hint of his presence.

That was until she felt a sudden heat surround her hands, prying them away from her eyes. Kneeling before her, was him, boring his eyes into hers. Without words passing between them, she scooted up to the other side of the bed, allowing him to lie on his side next to her. A hasty move she thought with her head feeling dizzy and her heart rapidly.

"Your hearts pounding like crazy" he stated fondly, his index finger slowly tracing circles on her stomach. Eye connect was avoided- he stared at his trailing finger whilst she stared at the ceiling, lying on her back.

He paid such attention to her, it was remarkable. "How did you know?" she replied, finally drawing her eyes from the ceiling and glancing over at him.

"Just figured." He shrugged, removing his finger from her stomach and beginning to fiddle with the cotton sheets that lay underneath them, his eyes still refused to make contact with hers. Yuna changed to lying on her side, feeling the sudden closeness that was between them once again. So close to his lips…

Still, he remained unable to meet her stare. It was obvious he was thinking. Either that or – Yuna couldn't quite believe it herself- he was nervous. Open about his feelings was a trait, but she was supposed to be the shy one! A sudden, unexpected feeling of shock emerged as she barely heard him murmur.

"My hearts _pounding_…"

Vulnerability showed in his eyes, if only for a moment. As he looked up at her, she felt at peace, knowing this was him trying to state his feelings towards her. He was being truly serious with her, and viewing this side of him was something she was not used use to. Only could she remember it on one occasion, and it seemed like tonight was running in the same direction.

Smiling as he draped his arm across her waist, glad he had said what had been on his mind. Hopefully she would understand. He took a chance then. He kissed her, without warning. He let her adjust to the feeling, her hand moving slowly to caress his cheek. Yuna was surprised, but she found his sudden confidence overwhelming alluring. It was still tender and soft but the unavoidable thought still stood.

Here they both were, on a bed, alone, kissing. Nobody had the slightest idea and there seemed no chance of them getting caught.

The mere thought alone gave him the confidence to take the next stage. He leant a little closer and held onto her a little tighter. She soon did the same as him, following his actions and allowing herself to truly feel the passion he had for her. They pulled apart for a mere minute, just to see each other smile shyly as their feelings became openly obvious. Their hunger for each other soon took over once more however; as they dived for each others lips once more in a despite attempt to satisfy their needs and wants.

The once innocent kiss had become a lot more heated. Her hands were hastily running through his hair once again, desperate to be closer to him than ever before and he willingly complied, kissing with more fervour and letting his hands wander slightly. But _only_ slightly, sliding his hand down her thigh and back up again to rub her back affectionately.

It was unbearably hot, their hands wrestling for skin to touch. He evidently knew the next stage yet he refused to cross it, not yet. Otherwise this would soon end up like those drunken nights in Zankarand, or at least it would if she was ready. Ever so slightly he slowed down, taking his time once again as she sighed into the kiss.

Reluctantly he pulled away, tugging on her bottom lip, letting the contact to last as long as possible. Yuna felt his heated gaze cease as he blinked repeatedly, almost as though he was trying to force down his desire. Smiles lit up on both their face, his head shaking and causing them to Eskimo kiss, bringing back the innocence that had been lost.

Nonetheless, along with the quiet ambiance came the feeling of drowsiness and Yuna soon felt her eyes become heavy once more. Still remaining close to him, she lay on her back, but snuggled her head against her chest. He took the hint and leaned over her to turn off the lamp attached to the wall she was next to.

In the darkness he fidgeted against her body, earning a few stifled giggles from her as he finally settled with lying on his stomach, his arm strewn across her stomach, keeping the contact. Usually he found it hard to sleep, but her steady, peaceful breathing calmed him. She had no time to worry about being caught, or her damn lost staff. She was in utter bliss.

Then, she felt his hand tangle with hers, giving it a gentle squeeze as a means of goodnight, followed by a gentle peck on the cheek. For some reason, there seemed little point in words. His head eventually rested on her shoulder as sleep took her. Even the pitch black couldn't seem to hide the joyful grin on his handsome face.

"Night Yuna."

"_Turns out we never found that staff…"_

* * *

The rest of the pilgrimage had continued in this fashion. But it was becoming restless, predictable and dissatisfying. They both wanted to be truly alone, without the worry of one of the other guardians walking in on them, or a dreaded fiend ambushing them. It was a perfect moment killer. The amount of times they had been interrupted – typically at the best of times – was becoming irritating. Just as he would dare to kiss her neck, or run his hands across her chest. They were churning out quite number of embarrassing events.

Here were two technically very different people, coming together and simply trying to make it _work_.

She was like water. As calm and tranquil as the Spirian sea. She was composed, yet her elegance blossomed and touched the hearts of all of those who met her. She was not afraid to show her will power to succeed, the tone of her voice changing like the tide. Her presence was calming-like the gentle lapping of the waves against a sandy beach- gracefully hiding all traces of pessimism.

He, however, was like thunder. Fast and unpredictable like lightening. He flickered hope and determination to all those who were willing to listen. His emotions would churn like a thunder cloud until he sparked into a bolt of unhindered emotion. His high spirits and laughter was infectious. He was spontaneous, impulsive and sometimes a little too hasty in his actions-finding trouble challenging his energy.

The honest truth was that they were complete opposites, making up for what the other lacked. They were like yin and yen – one just wasn't the same without the other. Thunder and water-conflicting elements that seemed to clash and merge into something that was simply breathtaking. Their obvious differences certainly seemed to help conceal their relationship from the others, they were simply too blind to see.

They didn't want her to be sidetracked, or hurt from love. It was always focus, focus, focus. It gradually became a little like brainwashing to her. Was she not entitled to love? Surely, she thought, since her life was due to be short lived and after all the joy and peace she would bring to Spira, she was entitled to feel the one thing all people seemed to greatly desire and experience in their lifetime. This was not revolt, this was not rebellion.

These were the circumstances she was forced into, and as such caused her great bewilderment. It belittled her and ironically, the only one who could calm her was the one who had caused the dilemma.

To say she was confused was an understatement; his involvement with her had made her question everything she had once stood for, everything she had practically spent her whole life working towards. For the first time since she could remember, she wanted to be selfish.

Then the recurring thought would arise yet again for the Yevon-knows-how-many-time, causing her head to haze and her to sigh with annoyance. She couldn't do this to her Guardians, after everything they had been through, she couldn't do this to Spira and its people and oddly enough she couldn't do it to him. No matter how much she adored him, no matter how much she would long for him, she couldn't let him win. She had to prove that she was strong enough to do this, even with him polluting her freedom of mind with his mere existence.

However, since upon leaving Mt Gagaget, he had becoming increasingly…_quiet_. It was probably only her who noticed. Sure enough he still cracked jokes and messed around. But his mind always seemed to be elsewhere.

He was barely coping, there was enough strain on him for constantly reassuring _her_, but he had worries of his own. Taken from his world and cast into anew, amongst people of which only a few understood his predicament, he felt alone and unsure of anything. He was angry, but concealed it – resolute on preventing upsetting the other members of the group. With one member particularly in mind.

He questioned _everything_, especially himself. Feeling the bitter cold wind on Mt Gagazet, was that not real? The sense of victory and pride after helping to protect her, was that not real either? Most importantly, how could anyone – even the Fayth- say that the feeling that grew in his heart whenever she ever so much as looked at him was fake? A _dream_? He refused to believe it, but he knew no better. He knew nobody could question the Fayth. The only person he felt could still make him feel alive, make him feel as though it was deception-was her. He was infuriated, they deemed never to be together freely. How would he cope if he couldn't save her? He daren't even consider it. The guilt would be numbing, soul destroying and overpowering. How much worse would it be –he supposed – if heleft _her_? That couldn't be considered either. After all he was trying to do to save her, it seemed as thought that was not to happen either. Either she died, or something happened to him. He didn't know what, but he knew he wouldn't be around for her. The grief he felt was already crushing him.

So, he did the only thing he could. He put on a brave face. One thing was for certain; his or her last few days on Spira had to be consisted with as much laughter, smiles and affection as seemed possible. Even if everyone could tell it was strained, unnatural – he knew she would be grateful.

He found the night the hardest. Counting down the hours until Rikku, him and the summoner were sent to sleep, he found it crucial that he slept next to her. At the beginning of the journey, this was strictly forbidden, the Black mage forcing the two to sleep are far away from each other as possible. But he was sure that Lulu had eased on her due to sympathy and he couldn't be more thankful. Rikku seemed to get the hint too, and moved to the other side of the sleeping quarters, allowing the two to be a lot more 'intimate' without any worries of getting caught. They had become slightly careless, with the ever closer Zanarkand approaching; they felt no need to be so cautious. Really, they could care less. The rest of the group could see them for all they cared, that was the last of their worries.

Little words would pass between them; there seemed nothing left to say, or no privacy to say them. There were only actions. He would watch her fall asleep, remembering every little beautiful detail that graced her. He would study her admiringly, until his eyes won over his mind and caused him to sleep. Praying that in the morning, he would have the chance to see her again.

This ritual occurred every night ever since they had left Mt Gagazet and left his love puzzled greatly, yet she never questioned. Allowing him to devote his attentiveness to her, she got the impression that he was preparing himself for the mourning process, studying her so that he would take no guilt in wishing he had done so more. She tried to understand, but couldn't help but feel unease. She knew that their time together was limited and she expected every night to stay like this.

He, however, was considering other plans. In a surprisingly warm cavern leading to the dreaded Zanarkand, he considered sneaking her away. Just one last time. He wanted to hold her, to kiss and worship her without any holding back, without the fear of getting caught. He wanted to comfort her and hope she would do the same. And as upsetting as it might be, he was determined to try and help her accept the inevitable – that after defeating Sin, they were deemed never to be. He was unsure, apprehensive at the idea but he came to a conclusion that held no debate.

Do it - or forever wish you had.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

You had said 'Always'.

_Forever. Eternity. Without interference._

Did you lie?

Or worse, were you doing it to protect me? To let me hold onto whatever hope I had left?

I wonder if, it was just a throw away word. A random selection of over 200,000 words in our language. And you managed to pick the_ one_ word that I would take to close to my heart. Or the one word I would read too much into. The one word which inevitably seemed to chose our fate, our future. Or, in our case – the end of it.

"_This is the last time we fight together, okay?"_

It was your smile that scared me, you were declaring your own defeat, your own 'death' and you were _still_ smiling. Eyes still sparkling as they always did, shoulders shrugged casually in relief.

"_What I'm trying to say is…after we beat Yu Yevon, I'll disappear…"_

You had known for a long time, hadn't you? The way you spoke, it sounded like you weren't even fazed, like it was no big deal. It was terrifying. The words were spoke with acceptance and I had little time to retaliate. I wish I had. But I was too dazed, too naïve.

""_I'm saying goodbye…"_

Before I knew it, we were surrounded by what I thought was Sin's pyreflies, only it turns out they were yours too… Your own soul was floating away from you before my very eyes. I was utterly helpless.

I am glad no clichés came from your lips, no impulsive words of desperation, of undying love or forgiveness. I am glad you said no words at all. You didn't have enough time to say it all and too much time to compress all you feelings and thoughts into a few vital words for my frantic heart to cling onto. Your eyes, they said more than your lips ever could.

_Find another? Move on?_

Are we the hero and heroine of some story? It feels like we are part of some tale, full of clichés and stereotypes. Romance and war. Will this story last the ages, passed on through the generations, where girls my age would yearn for the love we had - even if it did end in tragedy? I don't want our story to stick to clichés. I didn't want our life to be full of chaos, of endless exhilaration and adventure. Not after all this!

I just wanted _you._ I wanted you, me and the warm inviting sands of Besaid beach, with the calm waves gently lapping against the shore. I can almost feel the sand tickling between my toes. And the warmth of your hand clasped in mine as we are surrounded by our friends. I just wanted that. I wanted what everyone else in Spira had got. I wanted a typical, peaceful life with the people I loved. Except the person I wanted there the most was gone.

First came denial. Every morning, every evening, every time in between, I would purse my fingers between my lips and blow with all my heart. I would whistle until my lips were numb. It was relentless, it became an obsession. My mind was in frenzy. I couldn't stop making that damn noise, while Lulu and the others could all but watch, with their eyes glazed with sympathy. They had no idea.

_Just…one more time. What if you hear? What if you come back?_

I could keep trying, but my whistling never seemed to reach your ears. I would whistle until my face was flushed and I was out of breath, but for some reason, you just could not hear. But I still couldn't let myself believe it. You hadn't left me. Not after all this, not when we had just got our chance to be together. When we could live without fear, without worry – without sin!

I kept myself away from everyone, spending most of my time on Besaid, avoiding all forms of human contact. I can remember not saying a word for days at a time. I was in a trance, an endless nightmare that I couldn't wake from. Nothing more could affect me, good or bad.

Sometimes, however, that made it worse. I remember standing of the small dock, staring into oblivion and feel a small tug on my arm. This-unlike words- caught my attention and I turned around immediately, my breathing hitched in my throat, my eyes wide in anticipation. I am afraid to say I was, disappointed. I had expected to meet your face, with your gleaming ocean eyes and boyish smirk, only to see Wakka looking back at me, telling me that it was too late and that I should return to the village. I did not want to be touched by anyone, because after you – with your rough fingers caressing my skin – there was never a comparison. Anyone else was invading; I didn't want embraces, or hands of the shoulder for comfort. They meant nothing, I felt nothing. I wanted _you_ and you alone.

Course, now I know how selfish and childish that was of me, its just that, you were the only one to make the pain go away, and you were the only person who couldn't help me, you know?

Anger came next. With_ everything. _Especially you... (Another thing that made me terribly guilty). Those last few precious days we had together, you just seemed exactly as normal. Telling your terrible jokes and laughing the agonizing hours away. You convinced everyone. You even convinced me. I had thought that you couldn't save me, and you know what – I didn't even mind! You had tried, you had tried to save us and I thought you were willing to accept that we were going to meet an end. I though you were saying goodbye. I just never thought you would be the one to leave me! You didn't give me any damn notice!

_At first I would think 'what is the point of even trying to save me, if you knew that you weren't going to be able to stay? Wasn't the whole idea that we were meant to live on together?!'_

I know now, because I'm past of the point of anger, that you saved me. You knew we couldn't live on together, so you did what you thought was the next best thing. It scared me a little at first, that humans were capable of such an act of compassion, of such pure love. Did you feel that strongly for me?

Were you willing to forfeit your life, for me?

You are certainly not the cocky, over confident boy I first thought you were. You changed. Im just wondering if you changed too much. Its ironic really, when you first started the pilgrimage with us, we would never stop teasing you about your lack of familiarity with Spira. The looks you would get when you made a remark against things of such supremacy! You had no idea about this world did you? I think…that's one of the things I loved about you. I didn't have to keep my respectful summoner persona. I could be Yuna. Just Yuna. You made me laugh till I cried, sometimes you even made me scream with frustration! But by doing these things you kept me feeling alive. You didn't just want to be my guardian, you wanted to know me, be my friend.

Maybe you had to put on an exaggerated personality too? Everyone just thought you were carefree and upbeat but you had so many problems of your own that you didn't like to burden people about. I almost felt privileged to talk to you about your problems, instead of having to explain my own all the time. I used to love it when we would just sit alone, and talk about nothing. When we didn't have to worry about saving the world, if just for a few hours. But then, I guess it got more complicated…

Turns out your weakness was your advantage. You weren't brainwashed by Yevon, you always understood its faults. Many other people would have thought you a fool, but you were the better of all of us. You were not blinded by lies and offered another explanation that no one had ever dared to consider. Without your disbelief in the main authority of Spira, this would never have happened. Sin may never have been destroyed. You went against everyone and ending up being the hero. You had just an effect of all of us, you made us question everything, allowed us to open our eyes and realise that the main problem of this world was the one we would least expect.

Of course I felt guilt. Nobody could have prepared me for this. It turned my heart to lead. I couldn't stop thinking, my head throbbed. I couldn't sleep, thinking of different scenarios where I could have saved us, saved you. I felt so selfish! I wasn't sure if I deserved this. I know you wanted me to live on, but I wasn't sure if I could live up to that. I couldn't be happy, I couldn't smile. Is this really what you wanted? Soon enough my eyes stopped seeing, my ears stopped hearing and my body stopped feeling. I appreciated nothing. I was beginning to lose friends. This isn't what you would have wanted. You would have wanted me find acceptance and live my life, just like every other person who had lost someone due to sin.

Except, I thought I deserved you.

You sacrificed yourself. For Spira. For me. And because of that, I will keep breathing and keep smiling. I won't fool myself - I cry, I can cry until my eyes are swollen and my body shakes. But I now know. It won't bring you back. I don't know if anything will. As terrible as it sounds, I sometimes wish you simply died instead of fading away. At least then…I would have _known_. But my mind can't settle, I can't even begin to accept what happened. I will not cry at nostalgia, I will welcome it. I will embrace the memories we had and relive them, so that you are never forgotten.

_"Hey, use that if we get separated."  
"Then I'll come running, okay?"_

Of course, I still _feel_ you. I feel a presence every time I am awoken by the glorious sunshine streaming in through my window, coating me in warmth as if I was waking up with your own arms wrapped around my waist as we lay in bed, still dozy from the evening before.

I feel you when I am on the beach, my body smothered in the tantalisingly hot sand, almost as it if it is your fingers making my skin blush and burn. Or the hot rays tickling my skin or warming my heart. When the sun shines, I can smile, I can feel carefree. I almost feel as though you are there with me, looking over me.

_"Not until the end..."  
"Always."_

Sometimes, I wake in the middle of the night, and I turn over expecting to find you peacefully sleeping next to me, only to be met by cold sheets that make me shiver. There is no warmth, only the reoccurring strike of bitter loneliness as I realise I will never wake up with you next to me. Of course I have to try and not be cynical – it's wonderful that Wakka and Lulu are together it's just… I wanted it to be _us_, you know?

They can try to comfort me, but they will never know what really happened between us and I don't think I want them to know either. There are some things that only we will know and cherish.

Like the night at Lake Macalania, one night that was followed by many more similar nights, spurred on by passion, infatuation and a desperate need for affection that each of us could only find in the other. Don't get the impression that we would simply sneak away in the middle of the might to hastily discover each other. No, it wasn't like that _at all_. Most of the time, we were far too overcome with worry and stress of the journey ahead of us to allow ourselves to become engulfed in desire. Kisses were innocent, slow and resistant as your gentle hands would caress my neck or hold my hands longingly. We would not allow ourselves to lose control, to risk being caught for the consequences where thought to be devastating. But sometimes, your need for each other feels like it's going to explode…that was a feeling I was not used to, it had scared me and I thought you would have laughed at me if I told you how I was feeling. My head dizzy, heart thumping, constantly swallowing and blinking to try and bring my body back to normal. We were_ seventeen_…how could we have controlled such feelings?

* * *

He really wish someone had told him how tiring this pilgrimage would be, walking for hours on end come rain or shine, snow or storms. The Calm Lands had most certainly been the most torturous by far, vast plains of flat land that seemed to stretch into the horizon. There was barely any vegetation to shade from the blazing sun, and no caves or area to protect you the cold that came during the night. It made him lethargic. His sleep pattern was all wrong, tiredness taking over him in the day, when the heat made him sluggish and being kept awake in the night by the chill.

Like every other night, he sat outside by the campfire, occasionally lazily throwing more wood to feed his only source of warmth – the campfire. He kept wishing of sleeping next to Yuna, in that small bed in the travel agency, their bodies cosily pressed against each other for warmth. The thought just made him shiver- and not just from the cold. They had almost got caught that next morning, causing them to be much more cautious. Avoiding each others company was definitely part of the plan to prevent the other guardians getting suspicious, although it was against both of their wills.

Soon enough he would _have_ to go back to his tent. Trying to fight the pangs of drowsiness, he yet again shuffled his body to try and gain more warmth from the fire. He was so tired in fact, that he barely noticed the sound of rustling coming from one of the tents. The sound of a zip was followed by shuffling, until he felt someone sit next to him. His heart immediately began to beat rapidly, as he sneakily shot glances to the beautiful girl sitting next to him.

"Can't sleep?" He tried to ask casually, stretching his arms over his head in an attempt to wake himself up. His eyes, however, remained nervously glued to the fire.

Her hair braid clinked slightly as she shook her head slightly in response; "Too cold…" she murmured softly, hands fumbling in her lap. The pair of them glanced at the floor in remembrance, both recalling the night were they had both had the best sleep in weeks, lying in each others arms in utter bliss. It seemed an age ago.

Yuna yawned quietly, sighing as she felt the radiating heat from the fire. She was glad that she didn't feel awkward in his presence. The quiet aura surrounding them was comforting. She looked up at the sky, as the million little orbs of light shone over them; it was a truly beautiful sight. She was wholly unaware of the affect she was having on the young man beside her.

Finally gaining the courage he needed, he glanced over towards Yuna, simply acknowledging her presence. Except what he saw caused him to do more than simply acknowledge her. His simple glance became a longing gaze; his eyes open wide in astonishment.

'_She must still be half asleep' _he thought, because there was no way in hell that innocent Yuna would have

wan tingly presented herself to him in this state.

She was leaning back on her hands, her arm sleeves had been discarded, and her beautiful, almost porcelain skin was evermore on show. He just knew how soft it was, he was so desperate to run his hands up those arms. His eyes then followed to her neck and shoulders. She seemed insistent on tilting her head upwards, simply to look at the sky – drawing all the more attention to her neck. Her back was arched, showing off every beautiful curve in her body. One of the straps to her shirt was slipping down her shoulder – her clothes obviously ruffled from sleeping in the cramped tent. Oh how much he wanted to kiss her shoulder whilst running his hands down her…

He was bitting his lip at this point, swiftly glancing between Yuna's face, checking if she had spotted him and her body. He was almost at the point of not caring. Almost. He could feel himself perspiring from the sight before him.

Her skirt was hitched right past her knees, providing him what he believed was by far the best pair of legs he had ever set his eyes on. Her knees were bent and slightly bucking inwards, which spurred Tidus's imagination much more then he wanted. He couldn't deny it to himself anymore; if she didn't stop soon he'd lose control. He couldn't stop thinking of being pinched between those stunning legs of hers– she must have been teasing him, did she realise how hot she was making him feel? How much he wanted to run his hands up that irritable skirt and clench her thighs whilst his head was pressed in the crook of her neck, and kiss along her collarbone, ever so slowly downwards until he reached her breasts-

He cursed mentally, violently tossing his gaze to the other side of the campfire as he tried to compose himself and fight away his thoughts. Yuna finally pulled her eyes away from the sky, blinking repeatedly to fight the daze she had been in. Eyebrows were furrowed in confusion at the sight of Tidus turned ever so slightly away from her, avoiding her glance.

"Tidus, are you alright?"

Gradually, his eyes pulled away from the ground beside him and for the first time that evening, their eyes met.

Yuna was a little intimidated by the intensity of his look, there was something different there that she had not seen before. Her breathing hitched in her throat as he shuffled ever closer to her, until there bodies was once again pressed against each other and the heat began to circulate. She once again met his eyes and this time she was able to retain his look. He eyed were wild and boring into hers, but she was still concerned as to what had overcome him.

Then, she felt his hand on her upper leg. His lips brushing along her neck and ear. Her lips involuntarily parted as a sharp sigh passed her lips. She just knew he would be smirking. He was never usually so forward…and she found she surprisingly liked it.

"Yuna, Yuna, Yuna..." He chanted huskily, his hand now slowly gliding up her body, until it reached her nape, where his fingers tantalizingly stroked the soft skin, "You know I find it hard to control myself…"

She gasped as she suddenly realised why he was acting so strange. She opened her eyes from disappointment, as his lips left her skin, making her cold. Her body was reacting in ways she didn't want it to, not here, not when someone could wake up at any point…

She turned her head and felt a sudden rush of heat once again as she felt his lips barely touch hers – almost as if by accident. His eyes were half closed, his hands wrapped tightly around her waist as he brought her closer to him. First, was a soft, lingering kiss that barely lasted a few seconds. Yuna was leaning into him, as she tried to kiss him further, but he pulled away.

Neither of them was quite sure why their breathing was so heavy when they had barely kissed at all. Their lips nuzzled with each others, as if to tease. Their silent giggles soon ceased however, as Tidus felt a firm grip of his arm and his eyes shot towards Yuna's, to be rewarded to with what seemed like a lustful look, just like his own.

Before she knew it, his lips were crashing into hers, and she felt her body being pushed back onto the dirt, with his body leaning slightly over hers. His arm running desperately up and down her side and her hands tugged on his hair. She could hear him gasp for air as he kisses continued, his tongue begging for entry.

Against her wishes, she pulled away from his kiss, only to have a breathless Tidus look at her with confusion at her sudden halt to their actions.

"Please, not here…" she whispered, feeling his nod against her lips before lifting himself of her instantly and offering her a hand to help her up. She barely had chance to brush the dirt of her clothes, as an eager Tidus began to pull her away from the camp and towards the closest of the cliffs that seemed to surround the Calm Lands.

As they ran from the camp, Yuna felt a sudden rush of excitement at their secret. Right now, for the first time, Yuna didn't want Tidus to be gentle. She was sick of this hesitance. All of a sudden a new, unrecognizable feeling had overcome her and she didn't want to lose it for a minute. He soon slowed down as Yuna caught up with him and without another thought; he pressed her up against the stone cliff. Her back arched as she felt the cliff behind her and Tidus instantly began to kiss her once again.

The sensation of his tongue in her mouth for the time was absolute rapture, sending her into a spiral of euphoria. She instantly moaned into the kiss, revelling in the new feeling as her back arched once again, aided by Tidus wandering hands travelling up and down her hips. He soon moaned roughly in response, feeling her breasts pressed against him. Her leg raised and wrapped around hip, bringing him ever closer to her. Skirt, hitched as his rough hand grasped the outside of her thigh firmly.

Soon enough Yuna began to slowly slide down the cliff, and Tidus followed her, until Yuna sat leaning against it, with him kneeled between her legs, their kiss never breaking. She lifted her leg once again and rubbed it against him and he happily took notice, his hand beginning to move under skirt to the upper realms of her leg. He honestly tried to slow down at some parts, because he knew Yuna may have found it a little overwhelming, but it was what he had wanted for so long. He loved how she tried to fight back her moans, bitting her lip until it couldn't help but pass her lips.

Then, he felt her push him back, pushing him until he was resting against the cliff. Then Yuna did something he would never have expected. She straddled him. She noticed his eyebrows rise in surprise as she bent over slightly to meet Tidus in a passionate kiss. He soon responded, his lips moving against hers as his arm wrapped firmly around her hips, foreheads pressed against each other. His other hand frantically running through her hair, watching as her eyes seemed to dance in the moonlight, entrancing him as her hips grinded against his, making them both groan without resistance as Yuna felt Tidus's excitement for the first time.

This moved them to an entirely new level, every night possible Tidus had tried to increase the intensity of their actions, all but leading to awkwardness because of Yunas lack of knowledge or confidence. Of course he knew it was expected, he never supposed Yuna to be particularly skilled in the art of foreplay-but this night was different. Passion had overtaken them both.

She felt spurred on, and at first Tidus willingly let her continue, thoroughly enjoying Yuna smothering him in heated kisses, Yuna rocking her hips, Yuna grasping his hair, in fact just being so close to Yuna in general. It was unlike anything he had felt before, for the first time he could remember, Tidus was more than a little nervous.

"Yuna…" he pleaded as she continuously tried to kiss him, hoping that she would stop. She noticed the tone in his voice and immediately stopped her actions, sitting upright on Tidus with a flush of pink embarrassment prominent of her cheeks. Her hands were once again in her lap, eyes glued downwards.

"That was way too close…" He signed heavily, relieved that he was able to stop himself. He let his head fall back and rest against the rock.

"I thought you…I thought you wanted me…"

He opened his eyes at the sound of her tearful voice, she really had no idea.

"I did – I mean I _do_ want you Yuna. Badly" He admitted with honestly, sitting upright to put a stray lock of hair behind her ear to catch her attention. Yuna raised her head and smiled slightly as Tidus leaned forward and kissed her softly, showing her innocence once again. "Really badly in fact." he smiled shyly, his cheeks beginning to burn.

"Then why did you-"

"Because it wasn't safe Yuna! We both lost control! I could've hurt you or we could've got caught." There was a sudden tension between the two and it still stunned Tidus how quickly things could change between them. He felt a need to heal the situation. "Plus…" He brought his face close to Yunas and parted her hair so he could look openly into those eyes which he adored. A big breath was needed for what he was about to say. "Plus…I'm not gonna' and make love to you against a cliff am I Yuna?" he replied with a lop sided grin.

He was rewarded with a sincere smile from his love, his hand reaching forward to cup her cheek whilst she laughed silently. She was a little taken back by his openness; but she was glad he had stopped her; things were easily going out of their hands.

"Maybe I ought to get off…" Yuna suggested, laughing warmly as she began to push herself of Tidus lap. He smiled in response, but found himself watching her once again as she pushed herself off his lap and stood up, with him following suit.

"We should go back right?" He muttered, unhappy about going back to cold, cramped tent.

She nodded and took his hand as they strode back together to the camp. Thankfully nobody else seemed to be awake. How was it that they both felt so cold all of a sudden?

At the sight of her tent, Yuna turned around to say goodnight. Yuna smiled at Tidus's attentiveness to her as he wrapped his arms around her and kissed her tenderly as means of goodnight. No words were spoken, for fear of being overheard and soon enough Tidus knew he had to pull away and watched hesitantly as Yuna unzipped her tent and stepped inside.

Soon enough he retreated to his own tent and was just about to step inside when he heard a certain someone whisper his name. He turned his head towards her once again, but was all he felt were arms around his neck and warm lips on his. She was going to get them into trouble, he knew.

And for once, he didn't think he minded.

* * *

When I finally returned to my tent that night, I didn't know what to feel. I was scared, scared that we going to be caught or that we had rushed far too fast into this. Then I can remember feeling happy – overjoyed in fact – because we had for the first time crossed over this panicky feeling that was between us when we were intimate. I knew that know, there was no going back.

Maybe someday, there'll be a true reason to search for you. But I can't stand any more disappointment. So I will wait, and I will keep waiting. So, until I _know _that you are still here somehow, I will let you live on in other terms. Spira will hear of you and you will not be forgotten.

If there is one thing I want you to hear, it's this:

I don't regret a thing.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

The once great machine city stood desolately, its remaining towers looming over the cliff casting a poignant shadow across it. The setting sun streaming through the cracks, struggling to reach its way to the cliff as a means of warmth. Breath-taking, but eerily so. A once sparkling metropolis, reduced to ruins as an unforgettable reminder of the omen of devastation that they had set out so long ago to destroy. No-one could deny it was beautiful sight, but it was sinister and intimidating. It was always there to remind them of their objective and it only ever grew closer, causing nerves and dread to increase to dangerously high levels. The whole group was on edge.

They were finally here.

Zanarkand.

The day was finally drawing to a close, and the group decided to make camp in a small cavern located on the cliff. Everyone was long since asleep, exhausted from the endless trek. He, on the other hand, was restless. His mind was elsewhere and it had kept him endless awake for nights on end.

Alone, sat on the edge of the cliff, with his legs dangling over the edge was a man, who had now truly classified himself as an emotional wreck. A frown was clearly prominent on his face, as he tried to comprehend his imminent future. Arm muscles tensed as he clenched the dirt beneath him. The only sign of vulnerability from him was the occasional shudder, as he watched the sun be slowly dragged down into the horizon. It no longer seemed to be the striking view that he had loved in _his_ Zanarkand. It no longer made his spine tingle in wonder, but now in helplessness.

The silence was the worst. It seemed unbreakable. It was never ending, and no-one wanted to break it more than him. But when he spoke, he almost felt as though he was committing sin. Almost as though he shouldn't ruin the over-hanging silence. He hated how the landscape could have such effects on the dynamics of the group.

Night time had given him a lot of time to think. To think about the journey they had come on, the people he had met and how much everyone seemed to have changed. But nobody had changed more than him. That is what he was most thankful for.

It was an epiphany really, he suddenly realised, that back in Zanarkand, he was exactly what he never wanted to be. His father. Always lapping up the attention and charming the ladies, leaving behind everyone who ever cared for him. Everything he had despised in his father was exactly what he was becoming. Or at least it would have been, if it wasn't for Auron and _sin_, for giving him the second chance he was so openly thankful for. He wondered, if maybe, his father wanted to save him from himself. He was no longer a testosterone controlled youth, selfish in his needs and overly indulgent in his wants.

This were where _she_ came in, and oh how just the though of her made him smile. Even in such desolate times, worn with fatigue and despair, the image of her could make his face light up with joy and his eyes sparkle with adoration. Never mind Spira, she was _his_ ray of light. She – without meaning to – had turned him from a lustful teenager into a man. It all began with a theory Auron liked to call 'the hunter and gatherer'. Ever since the youthful blitzer had seen her trip down those ancient stone steps in Besaid temple, tears ever so slowly trailing down her cheek and her skin glowing from the dancing candlelight, he had wanted to be the one who could catch her. He wanted to chase her. He wanted to protect her.

At first he thought it was just by means of being a guardian. By defeating fiends and such. He'd laugh at how ironic it was really. It was a good job he was Yuna's guardian, or his feelings would have been easily revealed. He couldn't exactly remember when, but all of sudden he wasn't just protecting her because of her importance to Spira. There was suddenly so much more heart in his actions, so much more passion and need. He finally realised he was protecting her, because, well – he loved her.

The anonymous feeling first approached him when a certain cobalt haired maester threatened to take her for his own. He had never warmed to this mans peculiar character and it seemed Tidus was the only one who could instantly see past his courteous demeanour. First impressions were not positive, and Tidus knew as soon as they had been beckoned to Guadosalam that things were certainly not going to go in his favour.

Back in Zanarkand – he admitted – he could get whatever he wanted, because of his recognition. He admitted he was not used to jealousy and couldn't control it well. Trying to convince everyone that Yuna was going to marry for the wrong reasons was his way in trying to show he was only saying it for _her_ benefit. In reality, he just wanted someone to come out and tell him:

"_Of course she isn't going to marry Maester Seymour, she loves __you__."_

Of course Yuna could never be so blunt, but Tidus didn't really understand just how focused she was on her pilgrimage until she said she would marry this Seymour simply because 'it would benefit Spira'. The thought made him sick. Not marry for love? Didn't she deserve to be happy?

He couldn't believe Seymour was going to get his way, he was overcome with this feeling that made him want to wrap his hands around Seymour's neck until he face went blue and he collapsed to the floor. He had no idea what was becoming of him, and the only one who seemed to be on his side was the one he least expected – Lulu. It was hard hiding blinding rage, when the man creating it was so unnaturally calm.

He could see it; see the scene over and over again. He felt like he was drowning, going deeper and deeper until he felt he had to take a deep breath to bring him back to reality. Each time it would take him longer to reach the surface. Each time it would get more and more intense, more real until it made him –

"_Want to scream?"_

He could see him stride towards her, playing his spindly hands on her smooth shoulders.

He could see him lying her down onto their bed, poisoning her lips with his thin, grey ones.

He could hear her gasp as he made her his.

He could hear her whimper as she was worshipped on her wedding night.

He could practically_ taste_ the bile that would churn uncontrollably in his stomach until it raced to his throat, his feelings of jealousy feeding his imagination. He didn't understand why this man should get hold of this untainted, beautiful woman. As immature as it sounded – it just was not fair.

Looking back, he could laugh at himself now. Sure, a merciless, possessed tyrant of a maester was rampaging around Spira, but he had got the girl. And what a wonderful girl to behold.

That night in the Calm Lands had changed his thoughts on her a lot. He had always seen her as careful, cautious and in control of her emotions. But he was so, so wrong. Turns out she was worse at controlling herself than_ he_ was – he could hardly believe it himself. That cold night on the Calm Lands allowed them to reveal themselves much more to each other, the first time they were together without hesitance or caution. You had to be gentle with Yuna, he had always thought – take your time. To be brutally honest, he never really thought she would ever be so courageous as to turn their frantic kissing that night to the next level, heightening their desires to unbearable new levels.

From then on, he knew he would have to keep an eye on her. He had to make sure that they weren't going to get caught in the act – not now they had come this far. Their meetings had become fewer and further in between. They unhappily agreed it was for the best, nothing good could come out of it.

But an arctic night at the base of Mt Gagazet soon changed his mind.

* * *

It had all happened within a matter of minutes. The group had finally settled to make camp and no sooner had the guardians placed down their packs in relief then Lulu had begun to assign them all tasks to ensure them a more successful dinner then the previous night. Several groans of frustration could be heard as one by one, the guardians left the makeshift campsite to complete their task – such as collecting firewood or checking the surrounding area for fiends.

Tidus was pleasantly surprised to find that he had not yet been allocated a task to complete, and revelled in his new found freedom by leaning against a fallen, barren log to rest his tired body. He could hear the all too familiar clanging as Lulu rummaged in her pack for the pots needed for the evening's meal, and Yuna not too far behind him searching her pack for the flint needed to start the fire.

His mind began to wander, as he felt himself almost drifing away to sleep, only to jolt upright at the sound of Wakka clumsily dropping a few small logs onto the ground before him. Wakka rubbed his hands together, praising himself at his speed in completing his task and allowed himself to take a seat next to an agitated Tidus, before hearing Lulu calling for his help. A curse came from his lips and he turned around once again, ignoring Tidus's laughter as he trudged towards the busy black mage.

Tidus closed his eyes once again, desperate to be given just a few minutes of peace.

His wish of course, wasn't granted, and soon enough he heard the shuffling of hurried feet and someone sitting down beside him.

He huffed in annoyance as the blitzballer shuffled ever closer to him' "What now Wak-"

A finger pressed against his lip. A soft, surprisingly warm, delicate finger that caused his lips to instantaneously purse. He opened his eyes and responded at the sight before him with a doting smile as she agonizingly, slowly dragged her finger down her lips, down his chin until she let her hand return to her lap with a quiet sigh.

"What's the matter Yu-"

He was silenced again, his arms instantaneously reaching to wrap around the warm figure that was leaning into him. All worried words, were fought away, or lost between them as his lips were caught by hers. Movements were frantic, senses heightened. An all too familiar aching heat, swirling in the pit of his stomach against his will…

Nevertheless, as soon as feeling came, it soon departed, leaving an unwanted feeling of emptiness as he felt Yuna's lips hurriedly pull away from his own. Feeling slightly dazed as Yuna's face became stricken with worry as Rikku walked back into the camp. Her hands literally clasped together in prayer, hoping that the young al-bhed hadn't spotted them.

_Oh thank Yevon_, she hadn't seen. The pair of them quietly sighed with relief, knowing that they had had far too much luck bestowed upon them. They hardly had time to be thankful however, as the Al Bhed began repeatedly asking for the summoner's help, completely unaware of their recent interaction. Yuna replied immediately with hasty nod of the head, trying to prove that both she and Tidus were innocent and merely partaking in conversation. Yet as soon as Rikku's back was turned she leaned forward and whispered heatedly in his ear:

"I'm ready…"

Furrowed eyebrows faced raised ones, and still the young blitzballer did not comprehend the summoner's words. Yuna ignored his questioning and soon left him, scratching the back of his head in confusion. Completely baffled.

_Ready? Ready for what?_

So deep in thought was he that he didn't even become aware of the return of the agitated guardians, or the sudden darkness that swept over them.

"What the hell did she mean exactly…?" he muttered, utterly unaware of Wakka flapping his hand wilding in front of him to try and bring him out of his state of bewilderment.

First thoughts were certainly not welcomed. Ready for death? Why would she suddenly be so blunt about such a taboo subject?

A light flickering was the first thing that caught his attention, and then the increase of commotion as the Guardians began to hover around Lulu in anticipation of the coming meal. Trying to bring himself from his spell, he focused on the fire. How long had he been gone for?

"You alright man? You've been in a daze, ya'?"

There was a hint of humour in the Blitzballer's voice, but Tidus's only response a harsh nod – focusing all his attention on to figuring out Yuna's impulsive words. Couldn't she at least have given him a clue? What was the point in her telling him something when he couldn't understand? Why so cryptic? Why did she have to be so quiet and secretive about it, it wasn't like was anything to do with_ just _them-

"Holy Shit!"

All eyes on him. Worried, shocked, concerned. He rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment, noticing a slight flush on Yuna's cheek.

"Er, no worries! Just…" He turned his back from the huddle of Guardians from shame, "…forget it…" he muttered to himself, tossing another log into the fire.

He tried to act natural; he really did, with the guardians around him, caught in conversation. But he couldn't. How could he? What with Yuna sending him longing glances over the flickering fire and his over energized heart that he wished would return to normal.

Now he knew. He knew what they were going to do, what was going to happen… He reached out for Auron's jug of sake and gulped nervously, ignoring the look of confusion on both Yuna and Auron's faces.

The though of it made him shudder with nerves, worse than the first time.

* * *

That was just over a week ago. He couldn't really believe his naivety. Just a few weeks ago, his main worry [along with saving Yuna] was the sudden nervousness of a possible intimate encounter. Now, he didn't know whether those feelings were a priority. Whether_ he_ was even real.

He felt guilty; as he let the days almost pass by in a blur, hoping it would cause them to pass quicker. He had finally realised it hadn't. It only made it worse. Worse by seeing her broken smile as she tried to hide her own worries. He tried to hide it from his mind, but it always seemed in his eyeline, flashing before his eyes. There wasn't a single time where he didn't grimace at the sight.

Mere days they had. A couple of weeks, if he was being optimistic. Just two weeks left of being with her. Of his life being complete, of being with the only woman he had ever loved…It made him want to sob.

_That's right Tidus, crying to yourself in the night is very heroic…_

And as he sat near the cliff edge, torn between sobbing or shouting, feeling suddenly very alone and surrounded by the bleak setting, a certain summoner seemed to sense that her recently-very-mysterious lover was no longer in his sleeping bag.

He didn't really know how or when it happened, but one minute he was alone and crying miserably to himself and the next he felt an unrecognisable but welcoming fragile body shyly clamber onto his lap. There was only one person who had hands soft as silk to gracefully wipe away his tears. It looked like she had some of her own too.

Time passed, with little words in between. There was nothing left to say, both felt awful guilt at showing such raw emotions, when they should have acted optimistic. Yet both felt comfortable enough with each other to be honest. They were near the end. Both had secrets they wouldn't reveal. It was almost humiliating and yet welcoming. It was far beyond what either of them could bare, or what they should have to endure, and the only person who would truly help, was the other.

There was the warmth of skin, the intimate embrace. Lips clumsily caressing, encouraged by soft sighs. It should have been perfect; their united bodies basked in the moons glow.

But it was a broken picture. An intimate embrace, on the brink of desperation. The need for the others frantic touch. A grasp from one, causing almost a sigh of pain from the other. Only tearing away from each others lips when he sobbed quietly, receiving a comforting _'shh'_ in return. His hands caressed her face, again and again. Diminishing those tears that he saw all too often. It was exactly what both of them had craved, yet it was dissatisfying. It was all in the wrong circumstances, and with a heavy burden weighing on their shoulders, and their emotions. He didn't want her to cry, hell - _he_ didn't want to cry.

And she didn't want him to hold her like it was the last time. Didn't know how or_ why, _but his arms were too tight. Like a prison. Not in the sense that she was trapped – that simply wasn't possible, it wasn't the right word to describe it. It felt like he was, well, scared. Aqua eyes open wide in a frenzied, almost manic manner. Trying to show words that he couldn't, or wouldn't form. Words that were too sudden, or almost forbidden to be said.

'_I'm sorry'''…_

_…"I love you"…_

_…"Goodbye?"_

Heavy, broken breaths. The rustle of hair, by his rough fingers. It didn't seem enough, yet almost overpowering.

Then, everything went quiet, except for her shuddering breath. His eyes fell on rosy cheeks, swollen and pursed lips and autumn hair swept around her flustered face. Eyes, red from emotion. She barely had time to notice his longing eyes, before she felt herself arms around her back and herself being tilted ever so slowly to the floor. Lips were soon to find hers; it was soft, hesitant as always.

But, she knew something was different. Something that made her arms shake slightly when she reached behind his neck to pull him ever closer. Something that made her more aware of everything: the cold and unbearably uncomfortable ground she was laying on, the feathered hair that tickled her cheeks and the warm embraced lips that seemed unable to leave hers.

A touch, a mere touch, causing her legs to bend, her body to tense and her breath to hitch. It was just a kiss; if you could call it that…all he did was let his upper lip curl, a lingering caress on her perfectly arched neck. His soft lips going to unchartered, untouched territory.

It felt like a bolt of lightening. She didn't know where it had started, but it rushed down her body and made her back arch slightly. She admitted, she couldn't warm to all these involuntary actions that he caused. But if was worth a mere touch from him, to fill his swollen, pursed lips mere millimetres from her neck, hearing him pant quietly, his warm breath sending a flood of passion through her yet shudders down at the same time, she was more than willing to put up with the side effects.

It was leading to a sensory phenomena and she knew, this was only the beginning. She hated to admit that she had been shielded from_ this_ part of growing up, but he was stirring things in her she didn't know, or barely recognise.

She could still feel the dew on his eyelashes, even the occasional tear as it trickled down her neck- leaving a trail which his lips eagerly followed. Lips lazily placed on her skin, hands entwined with hers.

It grew quiet. Still. Her eyes bean to close, a soft sigh escaping her lips.

What if she ran now? Whether for one night, or forever, was that so wrong? Was it really such a sin to want the one you loved? Surely, she of all people – was entitled?

"T-Tidus?" She barely whispered, a hint of nerves in her words. Almost wishing she hadn't broke the pristine silence.

Soft, supple lips left her neck reluctantly, lingering on the white silk on her skin for as long as he dared possible, before slowly lifting his head up to meet her adoring, yet nervous gaze. His eyes, glassy and her eyes searching, for the right words to say.

"A-Are you okay?" he asked against her blushing cheek, his lips pursed as he began kissing the rosy skin.

Her eyes dropped, but the grip she had on his arms seemed to tighten, anxiously clinging onto his embrace.

The Blitzer tucked stray auburn hair behind her ears, running his thumbs across her smooth cheeks. "Yuna…?"

Barely a whisper, spoken with such concern that is made her body quiver. "Do…you trust me?" he continued, placing an innocent kiss on her forehead.

"Yes…" She whispered breathlessly in response, as he removed his lips and leant his head against her forehead.

After a few indulgent minutes of silence, tender lips pressed lightly against her forehead once again, before the young man slowly began to raise himself, offering his hand out to the vulnerable looking summoner as they both reluctantly rose to their feet. Instantaneously she felt the tug of his hand, the corner of his lips forming his boyish smirk.

She hadn't seen in it in so long…

"Tidus what're you do-"

In true Tidus-like fashion, he cut off his lover's apprehensive words, enveloping her with her strong arms and disallowing her from causing herself only more hassle. And although, his lips did allow Yuna's concerns to waver, she was becoming all too aware of his almost death like grip on her waist – pushing all of the last remaining air out of her lungs.

Then there were cold hands on his chest. Unbearably cold. Her fingertips dancing delicately on his surprisingly warm skin. Teasing by twiddling with the corners of his shirt. She smirked and he groaned lightly, his grip tightening to dangerous levels. It was unbearably intense, it _ached _and it was making the pair horrendously hot and bothered.

But it seemed reflex actions were against them, as the pair was forced apart by their body's need for air, with burning throats as a consequence. The pair leaned into one another, catching their breath.

The taller of the two, chucked slightly, calming the intense atmosphere and slowly-almost agonisingly-pulled away from Yuna's embrace, before leading her back into the depths of the cave.

The summoner grimaced as the boy stumbled over the drowsy guardians, not taking any particular care in his route and still tugging eagerly on her hand, "Tidus! What are you d-", the summoner whispered sharply, stumbling over Rikku's expertly placed pack, which was crammed with Lightening marbles, bomb fragments and other deadly items.

She tutted to herself quietly before carefully steeping over the equipment and ridding herself of Tidus hand, to prevent any more near-death experiences as he sneaked through the cavern in a hap hazard method.

And so, the summoner stood in the middle of a snoring Wakka, a drooling Kimahri and a fidgety Rikku, watching her closest guardian tip toe cautiously amongst the group with expertise, biting back her tongue to prevent her from bursting into a fit of giggles.

It didn't last however, as the blitzer seemed to quite literally fall at the last hurdle, tripping not so gracefully over Auron's bracer, sending him head first over Auron, with a_ 'woah!_' of surprise and onto the hard stone floor and causing Yuna to literally snort in surprise.

This is course, did not help the situation one bit, as one teenager –squirming on the floor, with his hand clamped over his mouth to stop his hysterical barks of laughter and pointing at the other teen in amusement- and the summoner- falling to her knees, laughing so intensely is was beginning to hurt, wheezing in an attempt to gain oxygen as tears pricked the corner of her eyes tried urgently to gain composure for fear of waking the other guardians, yet secretly indulging in the first real laughter they'd heard in what felt like a long time.

Between the outbursts of giggles, she pressed a finger firmly against her lips as sign for the blitzer for quieten down, although the act itself was meaningless as she once again began to feel the laughter rising up her throat and causing her to bit her lip to stop it passing her lips.

The boy ignored the sign completely and instead replied with a breathlessly comical "_You_ shut up!" holding his stomach as the two attempted to gain self control. And then…

…A soft sigh, and the rustling of clothes coming from the other end of the cavern.

Lulu.

Their heads shot up, like rabbits in the headlights, their breath shallow and barely audible. A panicky cloud of condensation coming from each breath, the only sign giving them away. The pair kneeling like they had both succumbed to a basilisk's stone gaze.

_Please, please, don't wake up!_

Seconds, minutes, hours it felt like, as neither of them dared to move in case it awoke the irritable black mage – who was known for having a sharper sense of hearing than that of a behemoth. Minutes seemed to go by until Tidus – sometimes known for his overconfidence- made a _'phew'_ of relief, dramatically wiping the 'sweat' of his forehead, bringing a hesitant smile to his summoner's lips, though he could tell she was still on edge.

After the exaggerated sigh of being in limbo, the blizter slowly rose to his feet and lightly patted the dust of his shorts and nodded eagerly to the entrance of the cave.

As she gradually rose to her feet too, Tidus reached behind him and picked up his pack and slung it over his back, wincing at the sudden weight. She chuckled lightly before reaching her hand out for Tidus to hold. He grasped onto it tightly and –being much more cautious than before- stepped lightly over Auron (and his deadly bracer) and found himself pressed tightly against Yuna, clinging to her waist to prevent her from toppling backwards onto a certain purring guardian and both of them laughing hesitantly.

With some effort, the two of them finally stumbled out of the cave, finding them selves once again at the place where the whole clandestine exercise had begun, still holding onto each other. One of them, puzzled about the whole disguise and the other, suddenly nervous at his initial plan and that his summoner would consider him very reckless indeed.

"So…" She began cheerily, trying to contend with an abruptly tense Tidus, "…Where exactly is so far away or important, that you should need to take your pack with you, hm?"

His eyes were focused on her once more, although his concentration was more fixed on her lips, grazing the cool skin along his collarbone as she stood on her tip toes, and not to replying her query.

"A relaxing week in Besaid?" …

…"A cruise along the Moonflow?"…

…"A romantic weekend in Bevelle?"

He couldn't help but laugh at the last suggestion, "Sure thing Yuna, if a romantic weekend to you means running from a group of old, grumpy, not to mention dead Maesters"

"Well, I'm used to a life full of drama and adventure!" She exclaimed happily, throwing herself into his arms and laughing softly. He laughed softly too, she sounded just like back in the spring, when they were talking about going to _his_ Zanarkand, so free, so _happy_.

"Well," he suggested softly, kissing her hair, "Maybe that's the problem Yuna." The summoner raised her head slightly, resting it on his chest and allowing him to continue. "Maybe…you spend too much time caught in all this chaos, right? And, maybe you just need to…"

"Need to, what?" she murmured sincerely, watching his serious features change to that of the typical Tidus she knew, with a beaming smile and sparkling eyes.

"Spend more time with the wonderful me, okay?" He beamed cheerfully.

"Okay.", she replied, with a hasty nod of the head and the beginnings of a smile. "I want to spend more time with _this _Tidus though." she began, poking his chest teasingly, "Not the one who had been putting on a façade these past few days. I know, it's hard for you, but it's hard for me_ too _and seeing you so upset doesn't make this any easier…" she began, going off at a tangent and sending her into hysterics.

"Yuna, stop working yourself up again, kay?"

"I'm trying! You don't think I've been trying? I have barely talked to anyone in _days_! Nobody should ever expect me to be able to handle this on my own-"

"-Yuna?-"

"-I'm sacrificing myself for the rest of Spira; don't I deserve just the tiniest bit of happiness-"

"-Sure you do Yuna-"

"I have barely come to terms with it yet. I'm going to die. I'm actually going to _die_-"

"-Yuna stop it, you aren't gonna die, okay?-"

"I'm just so scared that I'll never see anyone again, I won't ever see your face again-"

"YUNA!"

She physically winced at his words, taken aback by his tone, a haze of desperation and demand. By this point, the helpless young woman had gotten herself into quite a state. Small streams of tears now ran down her smooth cheeks, her eyes looking vulnerably through him. Her body, frail and shaken, heavily supported by the strong hands grasping her shoulders to bring her from her daze. She was tense, stunned, with hardly any response to Tidus's actions at all. Damp hair was moved tenderly from in front of her swollen eyes, and the trails of wetness kissed away.

"I'm gonna' make it all go away Yuna." He pleaded, shaking her slightly to try and get some response.

Yuna felt the all too similar prickling at the corner of her eyes, and her eyes involuntarily squinting, forcing out more tears to cascade down her face. And with her arms raised outwards to him like that of an upset, weeping child to a parent, she reached out to the only person who would ever truly understand. He took her in his arms and rocked her gently, kissed her forehead, ran his hands through her hair, held her hand. Anything, anything at_ all_ which could help relieve her of the pain.

"I'll make it go away Yuna", he sobbed repeatedly, almost like a prayer, as if each time he said it, it became more and more believable. "I'm gonna make it go away, I promise."

And with a dangerously high level of hopelessness, fear and desperation, he took her by the hand and pulled her back the way they had come. Through the steep, sloping paths, leading to the caverns that connected Mt. Gagazet and the Zanarkand Ruins. The place where there journey had changed for both of them.


End file.
